I think that everyone has experienced breakups or knows someone close who has gone through or is going through one right now. Having more than a couple of friends who unfortunately have dealt with breakups, I really think that everyone should know how to handle this. While I have no firsthand experience, thank God, I do know what it’s like to end a friendship that nearly developed into a dating relationship. Basically, a friendship breakup.
And while I prefer it if everyone “courts” (google it, I am not responsible for what the Wiki says) instead of “dates”, I realize that this is not the way for most people. So what this essay is about is how to deal with the end of a “dating relationship”, because technically, if done correctly, the end of a courtship would not need this advice.
Here are 3 things you should know about breakups or counseling breakups:
1. It is NOT the end of the world
It may be the end to your relationship with that person, but the world continues. Your world continues.
If you feel the need to grieve, by all means, grieve. But do not take longer than one week. Two days is plenty. Too much would hinder your recovery, because grieving can open up wounds.
2. Move onwards and forwards
Forgive that person if you have been hurt; ask for forgiveness if you are the one who made the decision. Forgive yourself.
If the breakup was a result of circumstances, like family issues, then the relationship was also circumstantial. It was dependant on the person having a good family. You are marrying the individual, not the family. Forgive this and move on.
You may need to deal with some issues. Perhaps the relationship has made you into someone you are not. Premature relationships can do that. So rediscover your identity and purpose.
Pick up a new hobby, do that assignment, go for a run, become a nerd, hangout with Star Trek fans. This will distract you from trying to open up old wounds. But only do this AFTER you have dealt with the underlying issue and have forgiven what needs to be forgiven.
3. Naomi Sutanto is NOT the best person to ask “what ifs” to
I know, trust me, I know what it is like to have that ever so annoying question circulate in the brain. “What if there is no one for me?”
I am not going to say, “Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure there is someone for you. I’m sure you will meet the right person.” If I have ever said this to you, I apologize; it was a slip of the tongue.
What I should have said was, “Don’t worry, everything will work out fine.”
Because honestly, I do not know if there is somebody for everybody. All I know is that God will give you the desires of your heart.
And my answer to that question is, “I kind of don’t mind.”
So unless you are prepared to hear those words from my mouth, do not ask me “what if”.
Next post (Part 2) is a direct continuation of this one and will be about how to do things differently and hopefully avoid painful breakups.